Single Again and Ready To Mingle

I have never felt more confident 
and ready to face the world than I do at this moment. It's like I was finally free from an eternal winter or quite similarly I felt like what Olaf must have felt when he finally experienced summer at the end of Disney' "Frozen".

 

Dating for six years running and not seeing anyone else other than my ex who I am not ashamed to say is to this day my first boyfriend ever actually made me realize that I should not even entertain marriage proposals yet when I don't even have much experience in dating at all! Why settle down right away? I am not in the right place to have a family of my own yet. I am not even sure I'd want one given that kids don't really feel comfortable with me and my presence alone somehow scares them.

Here's my game plan for the remainder of 2014. I'd go and check this every now and then to monitor my progress and find out if I get bitter or get too emotional because I chose to break it instead of fix it.

Game Plan for 2014

1. Become  20-30 pounds lighter than last year. Enroll in more Zumba classes.
2. Apply for a job as a TOEFL instructor or put up a small enterprise with help from Mum and Dad.
3. Don't stop preparing yummy dishes. Make your own yummy recipes.
4. Assist in events planning. Get an internship or part-time job with an events management company.
5. Look for summer adult workshops teaching voice, musical theater or professional make-up.
6. Go out more often with your friends and family.
7. Get out there and make new friends.
8. Travel abroad with your best girl friends.
9. Go out with someone who shares the same values and interests as yours. It doesn't have to be a guy  or a romantic date. A movie date will do.
10. End the year right by trying out activities you normally won't do. Ex. wakeboarding, zipline, 3K fun runs, volunteer at GK.

If I keep myself  busy, I am pretty sure I would not be bitter. There may be times that I'll miss him but with God's guidance and love, I doubt that will happen often. In fact, I may never be sad about it any longer than I did  two weeks ago. I acknowledge that it's over. Why dwell on the what-ifs and should-have-beens?

I AM STRONGER THAN  YESTERDAY.

I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY AND I ALONE AM FREE TO MAKE MYSELF HAPPY. 
Thank you, Lord God for setting me free from a tumultuous relationship. Can it get any better than this?!  :)

 

I'll Start Back At One :(

 "I wanna stand with you on a mountain. I wanna bathe with you in the sea. I wanna lay like this forever until the stars fall down on me." -Savage Garden (Truly, Madly, Deeply)

"Undesirable for us to be apart 'coz you know you got the keys to my heart."-- Brian McKnight (Back At One)

I cried again while watching "Beauty and the Beast". Cannot even watch until the end. It reminds me of what I had, what I thought I still have and I believe I should have it. True love doesn't discriminate. It knows no bounds, no limits, no statutes. I lost that loving feeling. Now it's gone.

 That's one sad song right there. :'(

"I crave your touch. I crave your lips. I miss so much the excitement of your kiss. Since you're gone, my heart won't behave. It's your love that I still crave."

Whose touch do I miss the most?  Is it my lover's touch or the accidental brushing of a hand on mine from someone folks said and believe to this day that I shall never be with?

 

That moment when you know you just wanted to fly away from here.

They have never been more true. I will still love the same guy when the world ends.

What Drives Your Life?

Family would say it's the need for approval. Friends will think it's fear or resentment and anger. Somehow, these three all drive my life. I seek recognition for the small things I do.  Not that I expect to be rewarded for it, I just really need affirmation; to be told that I did a great job.

Maybe I'm afraid that if I can't give everyone what they expect from me that's when they'd abandon me. I never got used to being alone. Never enjoyed living in my lonesome. I am most joyful while in the company of friends and family.

I'd like my life to be driven by spontaneity. I don't want to be restrained or held back by any barrier or doctrine. I want to be FREE. FREE to do what I want and be allowed to make mistakes. FREE to make my own decisions; including who I'd love to spend eternity with. I want to stop listening to media. Media has made me believed I'm not pretty. I can't even accept compliments without doubting them. People often say what they never mean so I always take compliments and listen to them with uncertainty and low self-esteem.

My boyfriend says that he is also driven by the need for approval. He always tells me that what he does and what he is doing never seems to satisfy his peers. I say in reply, why are you always wondering what they want from you? His mum is retired already from working for the government and she somehow surrendered her responsibilities to provide for Julius and Kris (Julius' sister). Julius is made to be the sole breadwinner.

Des, a college schoolmate and really good friend of ours, is also experiencing discontentment in her life. She rarely joins us for hangouts. She works for clients who don't even deal with her directly yet she still does as she is told. She struggles to complete the tasks assigned to her even if the client and not her gets all the acclaim, fame and glory. I remembered asking her through FB chat why she needs to do that. Have someone utilize her skills and hard work and claim it as the result of their own sweat, blood and tears. She says what we all expect her to say: I am the breadwinner. I don't even have enough money to pay for our utilities and household maintenance.

I am starting to see their lack of passion. I am also slowly reflecting on days where I'd complain that nothing goes right in my life. What I failed to accept was that I am in the place where God wants me to be. He didn't let me graduate on time like everyone else did. He made me remain as a college undergrad so that I could stay home and prepare meals for my family. He has left me to be on guard duty when my siblings and parents are out and I stayed home simply because no one would ask me out for cocktails and bar chow. He showed me how wrong I was when I rejected the courtship of the guy who has been my high school best friend and instead had a relationship with my boyfriend who always makes me ask myself why am I still with him when I don't even like guys who are geeky.

Resentment and anger has always been present in our lives. We are often consumed with regret for things we did and things we failed to do. God only wants us to fulfill our purpose. If we always seek for affirmation, we are trying to do more than what He wants. It's not that it's wrong  but it will leave you gasping for breath and ill. God knows when to stop. After He created the Earth and Adam and all the inhabitants of the world, didn't He rest on the seventh day? He didn't work on creating females immediately after He made Adam. He had to see if there was an animal or creature that would best suit man. Turns out no one else can be suitable for man than a woman.

God made all things happen as they are meant to happen. Who are we to doubt Him? When we doubt ourselves, it's equal to being ungrateful. Ungrateful for the blessings He gave us. When we wake in the morning and trouble follows us as we go out of the house, we say God abandoned us and is playing games with us. God doesn't play games with our lives. Everything we are and all that we are about to do? He already knows us! He knows when we are about to make complete fools of ourselves. We can't change destiny but we can alter how it plays out.

What drives my life? For now, it's my dreams.

Reflections and A Bibliophile's Lament

Bought e-books of VC Andrews' well-loved stories. Books 1 and 2 of the Cutler series, Books 4 and 5 of the Logan series. IG seller personal_library has been my online source for e-books for two years. I even got the books I requested which were the Miss Peregrine series, Ender's Game by Orson Street Card and Tom Clancy's Jack Ryan series.

Made new friends on Twitter. Met a Pinoy who works as a part-time model in the United Kingdom. I asked him if he has Viber or LINE installed on his mobile phone and he said he doesn't. He only has, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Thought long and hard if I should still save my 7-year relationship with Julius. What am I hoping to save anyway? Do I still love him? I may have loved him but right now I can't see myself getting married to him.Not after I noticed a few things about him and his family.

If we get married, what kind of life will we both have? I want our kids to se their dad everyday and not just on his days off from work. Kung ako nga bihira ko siyang makita, paano pa mga magiging anak namin? Lord knows my patience has been pushed to its limits. Ako pa naman tuwing nauubos pasensya ko, naiirita ako agad at pinalalaki ko ang mga isyung di na dapat pinalalaki. Natatakot ang mga taong sangkot tuwing mangyari ito.

The only herbal medicine I take that somehow manages to control my bipolar disorder is GNC's St. John's Wort.

Dosage: two tabs a day (one at breakfast and one at dinner)

It is great help. I can sleep soundly and most nights I sleep dreamless. It clears my head and rids it of undesirable thoughts. My libido decreases as well! Do I need a sexual enhancer? Aren't those just for men?

We will meet this Saturday and try to work it out but there's no guarantee I'll stay if we can't agree on anything anymore. I can be his friend and I'd like for us to remain so.

“SOMETIMES AN UNCONTROLLABLE feeling of sadness grips us, he said. We recognize that the magic moment of the day has passed and that we’ve done nothing about it. Life begins to conceal its magic and its art.

We have to listen to the child we once were, the child who still exists inside us. That child understands magic moments. We can stifle its cries, but we cannot silence its voice.
The child we once were is still there. Blessed are the children, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
If we are not reborn—if we cannot learn to look at life with the innocence and the enthusiasm of childhood—it makes no sense to go on living.”

Excerpt From: Coelho, Paulo. “By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept.” HarperCollins, 2009-10-13T05:00:00+00:00. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

Started to read this book three weeks ago. I didn't know it was a love story. My own love story is still in the process of completion. How it ends cannot easily be determined. I may be with someone now but how about by year's end? Who's to say the one you're with now remains to be the one you're destined to spend eternity with?

Just a few hours ago, I searched Facebook for my best male friend from high school. He's a single dad and I believe (based on what I know) his daughter has not seen him or lived with him since him and the mom parted ways. This man and I strained our friendship in 2009 and we haven't talked to nor met each other in four years. His FB profile says he only has 15 friends. The last update was Sept. 2013; meaning he hardly accesses his account.

I never forgot him. Dreaming of him has been my only comfort and guarantee that the man I was supposed to protect and love to the very end should be him and not Julius, my boyfriend for seven years running. The only offense my former male friend dealt me was to accuse me of ruining his relationship with his daughter's mother. Many things I can be but a third party isn't one of them. I didn't even know he had gotten someone pregnant until they posted photos of the baby's birth on their FB pages! Then here comes the mother of the irresponsible guy, messaging me on YM and accusing me of being her son's mistress. Who would believe her? People don't even think I'm beautiful enough to be a wife.

Truth be told I loved him. I did and never stopped. It amazes me how my gut can guess what I really feel and reminds me time and again who really holds my heart. It's not my lover. It's my soulmate. We were friends, argued and never gave the ruined friendship any closure. Am I hung up on him? Yes, I gotta admit that too. Missing him has got me in trouble with my boyfriend. He hasn't been jealous as he is with him with any other guy. Well, maybe he is this jealous of the owner of a bar we both frequent. It's because he knows I have history with them. I went to HS with a lot of handsome men. Men who are far more good-looking than my geeky boyfriend.

Not done with this Coelho classic yet but I can tell it's tragic. Misery loves tragedy and company.

Sooner or Later, It All Comes Crashing Down

This was us during happier times. I keep asking myself how did I ever learn to love someone I am usually not attracted to. Geeks have always bored me with conversations that speak of politics, history or current affairs. I was the girl who would fall for the varsity player, the guy who can sing well and charm the panties off every woman who gets the pleasure of listening to him live, the K-pop celebrity who will always be worlds apart from me. Believe me when I tell you that the one I'm with has become the one I think I have to let go of.

I tried to ignore the signs telling me to leave him and not bear the burden this seven-year relationship has given me. To borrow a phrase from the movie, "Enchanted":

Everybody has problems. Everybody has bad times. Do we sacrifice all of the good times because of them? No.

However in my case the bad times far outweigh the good. I am the type of woman who expects a lot from a relationship. I still believe in chivalry and would be so delighted if it still exists today. The man I have been with has never ever brought me flowers. He has instead given me chocolates and stuffed toys; treating me like a high school girl who would squeal in delight at the very thought of receiving such gifts. Of course I accepted them but he also knows I have given some of the stuffed toys he gave me away. He took my koala bear Aussie & gave me a Brown LINE doll. Gave me practical stuff as presents for my birthday. No anniversary gifts, trips out of town or any overnight trip that only the two of us would take. It's not like my parents would approve anyway. They believe we might engage in something we'll both regret and they are sure we will regret it.

Yet there are couples involving younger women who are allowed by their parents to go on a weekend vacation to Palawan, Bohol or even abroad. They just advise their daughter to make sure the boyfriend has condoms or brings any form of contraception with him during the trip. That doesn't guarantee they won't have a grandchild waiting to arrive in nine months. The boyfriend shouldn't be responsible if the condom breaks. More often than not if a girl gets pregnant, she gets all the blame. The parents thinks she is lewd, aggressive and desperate for love and affection. Maybe I am like that sometimes but I won't go around making booty calls at every man who is willing. Oh, you don't think no one is willing to do so? Ha, there have been about five to ten guys in high school who wanted to take me out on a date. I dumped all of them mainly because I knew how the date will go. How can you not tell what the guy wants from you? If he keeps condoms in his wallet and lubricant in his vanity kit, you are in deep trouble.

Nothing turns out the way you expect them to. This seven-year relationship should be put to a halt until my man decides if he will finally muster the courage to do what he has to. 

What that is, I'll leave it to him to guess.